I came home today afterschool and saw Mrs. L leaving her apartment.  SHe is short, and old but spry.  Spry.  I have been reading a "classic" book and the word spry is used a lot.  It is the perfect word for this woman..really for old people who still have energy and a sturdieness about them - I hope am sturdy and spry when I am older.  Wait - I hope I make it to older.
I have a lot of work to do tonight so I am not going to be on much.  This is different than fb because it is thoughtful and real.  still I have to go...by blog page.

Today is such a downer.  I am not sure what to do about it.  Normally, I would go on fb and troll around, or try to writie something, or look through the photo albums and make comments, hoping someone would respond and I woudl have some contact.  That's it.  HOping to have some contact.  I don't want to spill my guts and tell what's going on but I would like some company - the person doesn't have to now what is going on inside of me.  I am lonely.  I am a straight A student - I work for it believe me. and the great thing is about it is that I am aloud to go off campus.  There is a fun deli cafe type place called Sweetness that I hang out in.  It is not as generic as Star$$$.  It has free wireless - that's how I am typing- and I can buy a sandwich or sushi and sit.  If the comfy chairs are taken, I can sit at the coco bar.  I love the coco bar - different hot cocos or cold cocos or little bars of crazy tasting chocolate.  You can buy a few squares of different chocolates for a 1$.  It's dangerous!
Anyway, things are definately not good at my house.  My mom is going back to school so she can go back to work.  I am the bebe.  She has faithfully stayed home all these years raising me and my sibs and she wants to go back to work.  I love my mom.  I can say that without worrying about whether or not people will think I am a baby. I love my mom.  She can really bug me and bug me but .... it's ok.  I have one really, really annoying friend who acts like she could care less about mom - we kind of laugh at her because we all think that if she woudl just calm down and stop trying to act "like" a teenager she would chillax and have a normal relationship, we would all wouldn't have to roll our eyes at her - ALL THE TIME.  She kind of acts like she thinks she is supposed to act - like our age group has a role with a script that never changes.  So boring.  I guess she is more lost than me.  poor thing.  I am kind of stuck.
My daddyoyo is not cool with it.  I call him daddyoyo because he yoyos about being a dad, a husband - he goes up and down with his moods, his view on life.  I have watched him and while I respect him - I set boundaries with him.  So, he is behaving like always and my mumster is trying to sail her ship through the waters of conflict.  I wish he would just go or be struck by lightening and miraculously changed to be a stable, good husband and normal guy.   NORMAL.  Can you just be NORMAL, I shout in my head at him.
I haven't figured anything out writing this .  My goal is to figure something out something about myself each time I write.  so far. I haven't met my goal.  What if I don't by the time I have to shut down and get back to class?  What will happen?  Will I have a hole in my soul?  A big question mark burning through my head?  Will I smell differently - the smell of unknowing?  I have so much work to do.  got t go!  help.....I am a blob of unknowing...

Hurray! I have study hall.

We have a study hall right now because our mathroom has a leak in the ceiling.  We were about to start a new section but since there isn't a blackboard in the lib. we are sitting here.  we have 3 computers in our lb. for using online studying and research...ummmm.....can I say I am researching myself?  I have done all my homework for today, and reviewed already for my history test, I am researching myself. by writing to myself.  There is a timer on each computer so I only have 7 more minutes.  Can I discover anything about myself in 7 minutes?  I am dreaming again, which seemed like I wasn't for awhile.  I used to have these dreams that were in real life colors, details like the whole person was present  - hair, skin, eyes, talking, animation but not cartoons - very active.  Then it was like I had flat line dreams.  nothing.  I missed dreaming.  I remember being able to dream, and if I woke up or my cat jumped up on me and did the push and claw on me, I could go back to sleep and pick up where I left off.  4 minutes!  forget it... this is just like writing for twitter...having to say something short and coplete in 140 words but now its time.  I can't relax!  this is not who I want to be. A me who races through her self because of the demands from the outside mechanisism - like twitter.  .  ahah.  I now recognize how this type of fast activity makes me nervous and anxious. 2 minutes.  I feel like I shuld have something like I should be able to have something always intellient or pithy to say..and I don't !  what does that say about me? I am anxious about what that says about me.  but should I be anxious about what that says about me?  is this the good question?  do I need to ask this?  am i just defining mylsef by this type of question?
when the clock is up am I?  NO.  This much I know is true.  have a good morning to all you invisble readers.  see you later.
Toyo

I write to know me

I have decided that I will not be on any social networks for awhile.  I need to find out more of who I am.  Social networks kind of make you be someone that HAS to post or say SOMETHING.  I am feeling tired about doing that.  I also am getting cramped - you see all my friends and "friends" always write in when I change my profile pic or write something that is not in the same vein as what I have written before.  Everyone wants to know who are you when you try to move beyond who they know you as.
I realized that I had to stop letting so many people input into me what they wanted or needed me to be.

I have to define myself.  This is hard anyway.  I guess I am just someone who wants to discover myself with less of an audiance.  I am looking for other blogs people may be writing that also talk about this.

If you know of any...even your own....let me know!
Thanks,
Toyo